Repulse

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I was standing in front of the gate, for a moment I saw you smiling but soon you faded. I’m still carrying your photograph in my wallet, only to keep reminding myself how you used to look before going to that damn place only to never come back.

I walked for a while in the compound before settling myself on a covered diwan of verandah. I was about to lighten the cigarette, but the thought that you would have hated it held me back. Why was I still waiting for you to open the kitchen door? I could hear your voice in my head. The lilies have grown all over the place with dandelions. I looked at the sky, the sky is always so blue here, I watched clouds moving, covering the sun. My heart is also clouded, whether to take a step ahead or stay on the path, is this place should I settle? Why is it necessary for me to settle when you were here, I never used to give a thought about it. What did you get by settling here, in this house, surrounded by tea gardens? Maybe peace. Whenever I used to ask you this question why did you never reply? Your face was calm, your velvet voice, always soothing, but your eyes always told another story.  I only came back to get answers to my questions. I have this freedom unlike you but at what cost? I looked at the locked door, I couldn't believe I still carried these spare keys with me, everywhere. I didn't want to stay but you always belonged here.  Maybe I did. I don't know. Sometimes we have to take a step without thinking, sometimes there aren't any options. I don't know whether I was trying to justify or to forgive myself. I wanted to unlock the door to see whether your brushes and canvas were still there or not, your unstrung guitar was lying there in a corner or not. I was about to unlock the door, “Don't give me the love, I never asked for”, these last words started to shout in my ears and I went back without opening the door. 

 

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Nidhi katoch
A silent observer in search of her TRUE HOME. If you like my writings, do comment and share... Views are extremely personal and are original writings of mine.

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