Nidhi Katoch blog

I was standing in front of the gate, for a moment I saw you smiling but soon you faded. I’m still carrying your photograph in my wallet, only to keep reminding myself how you used to look before going to that damn place only to never come back. I walked for a while in the compound before settling myself on a covered diwan of verandah. I was about to lighten the cigarette, but the thought that you would have hated it held me back. Why was I still waiting for you to open the kitchen door? I could hear your voice in my head. The lilies have grown all over the place with dandelions. I looked at the sky, the sky is always so blue here, I watched clouds moving, covering the sun. My heart is also clouded, whether to take a step ahead or stay on the path, is this place should I settle? Why is it necessary for me to settle when you were here, I never used to give a thought about it. What did you get by settling here, in this house, surrounded by tea gardens? Maybe peace. Whenever I used to ask ...

I touched the tattoo on my chest, your initials which I tattooed after you were gone, to feel your presence in me. But somehow it feels hollow now.  If you ever had known about it you would have been so mad. I looked at the dead plant, I again forgot to keep the pot in sunlight. Am I also avoiding the sunlight, since when had I started to romanticize night? Blurred images of needles…smoke…drips…doctors… chants…cries…broken pens…and that damn colour blue… I lay my legs dangling off the bed and stared at the ceiling fan, I could see my reflection on the fan. Today this tattoo was catching my attention again and again, it had been there for a while now. Why was I trying to feel it now? I needed to bring more paint, don't know what had come over me to paint this room again. The color pink… The phone rang again, how many times I have told them to leave me alone? I turned the silent mode on. Throwing it away I picked up the book lying beside me. Words were also not making sense. A sudden...

When we were sleeping under the stars, lying over the grass on the hill from where fireflies rise, you asked me whether I would return during winter and if I Loved the people who loved me. I found my voice choked. Aman, I hated you so much for asking me these questions at that moment. I just kept staring at the sky without saying a word, pretending I was lost in my thoughts.  You called after the first snowfall of that year, and although you didn't say a thing, I could hear the contempt in your voice. You wanted me to be there, but the snow settled in the corner of my heart, which hadn't melted. Aman, when you laughed while watching the sitcom, and I couldn't even smile, I was so jealous. The whole night we watched the sitcom, you laughed, smiled and kept stealing glances at me while I just stared at the screen. I still feel those ashes in my hand; sometimes, I touch the pages folded by you in my books just to feel like holding your hand. People still ask about you here, bu...